XOXO

"Mungkin kau kurelakan, takkan kulupakan".

Trust me it really hurts until now, shame on me. I never said it'll be easy, cause everything is easier to said than done. I can feel the burden of my heart every day, it feels like i can move on but still doesn't understand why i deserved all of these pains. Life is so unfair, for real. I try not think like that, but once again, trust me, if you were me, you'll understand. It's really hurt, physically, not only mentally. He is the one that caused my wounds, and i try to forget that,  but turns out a burden in my heart. I want to scream like nobody else can. I want to sing aloud my voice in the ocean. I want to go away and people to unknown me. I want to write him a song, a sweet sweet song so that he remember i ever loved him that much. I loved him from deep down in my heart. Never in a day without loving him in my mind, in fact i can't meet him and it's really killing me. Even before we end, i really love him. I accept all of him. God knows the truth, God kno...

Ada satu waktu di mana, aku tau aku telah kehilangan dia. Itu sebelum dia minta udahan. Waktu itu hanya bisa senyum dan nahan sakit yang aku rasa.

Aku bener-bener mau nulis tapi bingung harus mulai dari mana. Gak gampang nuangin semua yang ada di otakku karena sesungguhnya gak ada yang bisa benar-benar menggambarkan pikiran dan perasaanku sekarang. Aku yakin kalau pikiran dan perasaan bisa punya warna, mereka sudah hitam.

Pagi tadi aku dengar lagu ini sambil bersih-bersih rumah, diiringi adegan menangis. Tenang, hari masih sepi, jadi tidak ada yang melihat. Sekarang, sore ini sedang menulis karyaku tentang aku dan dia selama ini. Aku tau dia mungkin sudah lupa, tak apa, biar aku saja. Biar kenangan itu ada yang ingat, aku.

The saddest thing is i lost my right to be angry. I ever feel like i want to slap him really hard in the face. I still remember the day i company him (even from far away), on his first day of college (yes I'm not the only one who company him), i thought i could keep doing that until he graduate and more, turns out to be I'm a burden for him and his college life, yes i know, I'm stupid and useless i know     It's just such a pity he left me because he's busy these days, he met new people, he gave up and think he's done something right, he said it's time for him to change, when i read that, i never really hurt so much, besides on August 14th, 2020 (my worst day)   i just confused that day and it really hurts me right in my heart, physically. i punch my chest again, i lied to him, i feel bad, and it's make it even worse   all i can say was "yes i understand" or something like that but the truth is, deep down in my heart, i ask, "if you want t...

Change yourself for the world, stay the same for your beloved ones

I'm a super loyal girl. Super super. I can guarantee it. But I look at the situation too, I have to be smart. The one that I love doesn't want me anymore..and I forced to stop loving him since long months ago, I HAVE TO STOP even I DON'T WANT TO. If only I can love him forever.. i want it though, but I can't. "If you ever move on without me, I need to make sure you know, that you are the only one I'll ever love."  It's a song by JB hahah, such a sweet lyrics D, even you don't love me anymore, I want, to stand still, loving you no matter what, believe me..I want it like that, even you don't do things like you did when you're in love with me back then, even when you don't think about me anymore, even when you have new people around you, even when you're happy without me, even when you have to go far from me again, even when you slowly forgetting me, even when you want to look cool and it's not for me anymore, I will always love y...

Let me know if you want me back, I would go back to you. I would consider it all, I would try to get back to you. It's only "if" you it say to me. I don't hope much about it though...and i know this is stupid

Kemarin aku netapin hatiku sendiri kalau aku ikhlas ngelepas dia tapi hari ini ada lumayan sedih lagi. Ahhh kenapa aku jadi orang gak konsisten😔💔. Bener-bener sampai sekarang alasan yang bisa bikin aku kuat ngerelain dia adalah: ya karena memang dasarnya disuruh mama papa, jauh sebelum dia minta udahan:) Miris ya, you have so much loves but you got forced to stop loving . Semua situasi seakan-akan nyalahin aku karena sayang sama orang. Kayak keadaan tuh kalau bisa ngomong, "Ayo Laura berhenti ya sayang-sayangnya. Udahan jatuh cintanya." Dulu aku stay  karena satu-satunya alasanku bertahan adalah dia . Udah, gitu aja jujur. Aku dulu mikirnya dia gak akan pernah ngelepasin aku, aku dulu mikirnya dia gak akan bisa ngelakuin itu, aku dulu mikirnya dia bakal sedih kalau aku minta udahan (waktu itu aku harus), aku gak mau dia sedih, aku gak mau nyakitin dia sama sekali. Jadi, aku mau perjuangin dia banget. Aku gak apa-apa karena it all felt right when i'm with him, walau gak ...